After a bit of a mix up with meeting places (north beach is up the top sweet cheeks!) we met up at Apache bar and the party started! Mon had met this bunch of English ragamuffins on the boat over (heeeeey booooys!), and we got our buckets on until the early morn. I knew it was time to go when Mon had fallen asleep in a deckchair in the middle of the dancefloor – jetlag anyone?!?!
Every time we walked past this massage parlour we’d get “sexy boy sexy girl!! You want oyee massa?! Good for him, good for her, good for me!” so eventually we went and got one and my word, they know how to loosen you up.
Koh Phi Phi is a couple of islands, one of which has Maya beach – made famous from the film ‘The Beach’. These ragamuffins and us signed up for a day trip to the other island which included snorkelling, monkeys, Maya bay, shark watching, cliff jumping and finish with a sunset - delicious. Well the snorkelling went well until I took a picture of lovely Monica’s rack underwater and broke her invincible, unbreakable camera.
When we arrived for the cliff jumping, they were still making the wooden ladder to climb up! “Never mind” the Thai dude says, “let’s go see Maya beach”. It was nice enough (http://www.flickr.com/photos/neumeyer/3495859115/), but whatever - I want to jump off some cliffs! Back to the ladder and they’ve done a superb job in the 20 minutes we’d been away. I scramble up and approach the edge…
…18m is a bloody long way when you’re in trunks at the edge of a cliff. I shouted down to the Thai guy for some instructions but couldn’t really hear. Arms by your side, go feet first! My view on jumping off a cliff is pretty similar to my view on most things in life – don’t think about it, just get the bugger done. And because it was rocky all the way to the edge, it wasn’t a run and a jump, more of a tentative step off into the air. And then you’re falling and you’re waving your arms madly, and you’re thinking fuck me how am I still in the air, and then blammo!!! I hit the water. A little tip for future cliff jumpers, always point toes on entry to avoid blapping the soles of your feet off the surface of the water. Some of us learn the hard way...
Dust my self down and back up again! Everyone did it apart from one bird who was scared her boob implants would explode (would have definitely got that one on camera), some needed more coaxing than others. Ben (one of the ragamuffins) needed a little persuasion so I stepped to the edge with him “right Ben, 1 2 3 jump yeah?”, “fuck me dan it’s high”. “ok! 1,2…. Jump! – whooooa! – splash! – yeehaaa! [high fives!]”.
So everyone’s been off, I been over 3 or 4 times, ready for the grand finale. Everyone’s in the boat ready to set off for the shark watch/sunset and I’m scrambling up for my last go. Perched on the edge “what’s that? You want a 360?!?!” Crouched and coiled, in my head I saw me gracefully spinning down to the water like a sycamore seed (http://www.arkive.org/sycamore/acer-pseudoplatanus/video-09b.html).
In reality I managed one rotation before my revolving body lost all stability/control. Halfway down I remember looking up at the sky and realising i’d messed up big time “just relax Dan, let your body go limp else you might break some bones”.
KAAAAAAAASSSPLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSHHH!!!!
I’d landed horizontally on my back, completely winding myself. I paddled myself to the boat and clung on. Mon braced my neck cause she was certain I’d got a spinal injury. I coughed up some blood and climbed onto the boat.
The Thai guy was freaking OUT! I dunno what they teach in Thailand, but his first aid consisted of vast amounts of cold water over the head and immense pressure on my chest (the most painful part of my rapidly bruising body). Everything went black and I started having the best dream ever, then heard the sweet tones of my guardian angel “Dan, Dan!, DAN! WAKE UP!”. I came round and everything’s all gravy, except the vision’s in my right eye has gone skew wiff. After 10 minutes of wondering how I’d managed to detach a retina I realised that my contact lens had slid round the side of my eyeball!
We set off back home; it only hurt when I was breathing so it wasn’t too bad. After the drama, Mon went and hurled up over the side of the boat which meant she got a dose of water over the head from the Thai guy too! He offered to take me out the next day and watch him jump off a 30m cliff for free but I’d had my fill. See this video for a rough idea of how high it was, but its only when you’re falling and realise you’ve been going for a good 5 seconds, and the water is still ages away that you can understand how high it is (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBmxaZykc0s).
Next we spent the day sunning my bruises on the beach and went for a mooch up to the pretty beach. Then in the evening there was a ladyboy show. Needless to say I got dragged up for a dance at the end, didn’t get any tips though. Then came the fire show and this is why Monica is so class. The dude was throwing these flaming balls around (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kPdK214g2w
http://www.flickr.com/photos/blackspruce/253599996/) and she said “I fancy doing that”. Off she trots to this firethrowing Thai dude on his break, and walks back with a smile and a set of fire ball chain things. She’s only bloody haggled the guy down, IN THAI, and walked away with a set of fire poi things! Amazing.
So then they get the flaming skipping rope going and we have a go, and out comes the flaming limbo. I was pretty sauced at this point so I went for a wander. When I came back, Mon had limbo’d under the lowest thingy but managed to take a lungful of kerosene in the process. “I need foooooood!” ok Mon, I’ll sort you out. Now I love a barter and the Thais lap it up so I’m trying to get 20 baht off her banana pancake (about 6 cents). “DAN! My lungs are on fire – I need food!”. Mon gets her food and drunk Dan potters off again.
But luckily this time eagle eye Monica has her eye on me and watches me stumble into a shop down the way with a glint in my eye. Next thing I know she’s dragging me out of the tattoo shop, and the guy next to me mixing his ink is laughing. “Dan. What are you doing?” “I just wanted to get a little tattoo on my arm” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ATjjas2tFw).
What of! I hear you cry! Obviously I’d gone for something deep and profound, with timeless relevance and meaning to me.
I was minutes away from having a bloody smiley face on my arm. One circle, 2 eyes, and a great big grin, like the potato waffle (http://www.flickr.com/photos/kscully/88852836/) – all for about $15. PHEW!!!!!
Its at this point everyone thought it’s probably a good idea for me to leave the island, so first thing in the morning, we’re sailing to Krabi! Byeeeeeeee!
(http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=80771&id=500561148&l=67e6f49e4c)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Koh Tao (10m club)
Is the place to get your scuba on. I’d never done it before, and it was CHEAP! The island was pretty chilled out with everybody there for the same reason. To get 18m underwater! My first dive was in nangyuan in about 2m of water (http://www.flickr.com/photos/confusedvision/3341067290/). There were 6 of us sat in a circle going through the hand signals, and every now and again a school of fish would come and park up in the middle of the circle, have a look around and shoot off again. Beats learning in a swimming pool any day.
Fish are mental. I managed to use up my whole bloody camera in about 10 minutes and the pictures were all shit.
The day before my last two dives, our instructor G reminded us of the 3 rules.
1. keep breathing
2. don’t drink and dive
3. NO SPEEDOS!!
Unfortunately the lure of fire throwers and buckets of sangsom whisky and redbull kept me out way too late the night before my last dive. I must have said “this is my last bucket” about 5 times. Next thing I know I’m getting woken up by a knock on my door at 6:30am! My doors open, I’m sleeping in trunks and I can’t find my wallet, door key anything. Before I know it I’m getting zipped up into my wetsuit and we’re about to dive to 18m, the deepest I’ve ever been! In retrospect, it was a bloody class idea. Instead of spending all my time checking my air, watching for my buddy, looking at the instructor, I was eyeing up fish thinking ‘I could take you down – let’s race!’. I was swimming SO close to the coral I could almost smell it. It was awesome.
Every now and again I would check the instructor to make sure I wasn’t lost. Suddenly he started doing these jerky hand movements and it took me a while to realise he was…doing the underwater robot! Cue a massive zero gravity breakdancing sesh which involved me spinning on my head, underwater worm etc. it was class! And if that wasn’t enough we had a matrix style fight to finish off. Beats learning to scuba in a swimming pool any day!
I’ve been banging on to anyone who’ll listen about this awesome bird I met snowboarding in fernie a couple months ago. You know the Icelandic zoologist goddess? Well it’s at this point I get a cheeky little message saying “Dan? What the hell are you doing in Thailand? I want to go to Thailand!” next thing she’s got her tickets booked and is on her way across the pacific – fucking get in!! Hang on Mon - I’ll meet you in koh phi phi! Spent my last day in koh tao on a beach bar crawl, which got so bad I could only tell what time it was by the price of my beer. Less than 100 baht? its happy hour and MUST be before 7!! Someone poured me onto the overnight boat at half 11 and I’m koh phi phi bound!
(http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=80767&id=500561148&l=f3f3751a69)
Fish are mental. I managed to use up my whole bloody camera in about 10 minutes and the pictures were all shit.
The day before my last two dives, our instructor G reminded us of the 3 rules.
1. keep breathing
2. don’t drink and dive
3. NO SPEEDOS!!
Unfortunately the lure of fire throwers and buckets of sangsom whisky and redbull kept me out way too late the night before my last dive. I must have said “this is my last bucket” about 5 times. Next thing I know I’m getting woken up by a knock on my door at 6:30am! My doors open, I’m sleeping in trunks and I can’t find my wallet, door key anything. Before I know it I’m getting zipped up into my wetsuit and we’re about to dive to 18m, the deepest I’ve ever been! In retrospect, it was a bloody class idea. Instead of spending all my time checking my air, watching for my buddy, looking at the instructor, I was eyeing up fish thinking ‘I could take you down – let’s race!’. I was swimming SO close to the coral I could almost smell it. It was awesome.
Every now and again I would check the instructor to make sure I wasn’t lost. Suddenly he started doing these jerky hand movements and it took me a while to realise he was…doing the underwater robot! Cue a massive zero gravity breakdancing sesh which involved me spinning on my head, underwater worm etc. it was class! And if that wasn’t enough we had a matrix style fight to finish off. Beats learning to scuba in a swimming pool any day!
I’ve been banging on to anyone who’ll listen about this awesome bird I met snowboarding in fernie a couple months ago. You know the Icelandic zoologist goddess? Well it’s at this point I get a cheeky little message saying “Dan? What the hell are you doing in Thailand? I want to go to Thailand!” next thing she’s got her tickets booked and is on her way across the pacific – fucking get in!! Hang on Mon - I’ll meet you in koh phi phi! Spent my last day in koh tao on a beach bar crawl, which got so bad I could only tell what time it was by the price of my beer. Less than 100 baht? its happy hour and MUST be before 7!! Someone poured me onto the overnight boat at half 11 and I’m koh phi phi bound!
(http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=80767&id=500561148&l=f3f3751a69)
Bangkok (Oooooh - ladyboys)
Well I arrived off the plane to sweltering heat. Ben was on a visa run so I was left to wander round on my own. Now I’d been told about songkran but there’s no way I could have guessed what it would mean. Songkran is the Thai new year and the throwing of water is supposed to cleanse you of all the bad stuff you did last year. In reality it’s a massive water fight! Every street is lined with people hoying water at everyone. The only country you can shoot a complete stranger in the back of the head with a jet of freezing cold water and they turn around with a massive grin on their face!
I just used a bunch of disposable cameras and a whole load of photos didn’t come out so I’ll nick a few every now and again. Here’s a couple http://www.flickr.com/photos/321dogs/3471553093/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/agron/2414178058/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzOcxZ3GPhE
Me, Michael and Ben got ourselves some water pistols and jumped in the back of a tuk tuk. What a ride! We pulled up to some lights and got completely dumped on by some kids on the side of the road. Only flooded the bloody engine! So we jumped out and continued to spray passers by. We hit nana plaza and there were few ladyboys joining in the fun. One of them bloody recognized me and went to grab my willy. Only had my bloody flies undone!
Back in the hotel and the news is on. Civil unrest in Bangkok, travellers urged to stay indoors, Ben flicks the TV off, lets roll boys! Probably the most exciting new years ever. Thousands, I mean thousands of Thais with enormous grins on their faces and soooooo much water! Even the fire department had an engine down one of the streets hosing the crowds with gallons of water!
Night after and we decided to do a token Bangkok night, all the big names. We started off in a ping pong show – absolutely horrific. [mum look away now]. One bird was pulling a string of razor blades out her minge, another was sat on the floor with a bucket next to her. Little fiddle around with her lady bits then POP! A balloon hanging off the ceiling about 4 yards away exploded. She was firing little paper cones with needles stuck in the end. Then the ping pong balls started flying and you’re given a bat to defend yourself. Ben said “its alright - I’ve got us covered Dan” before allowing a ball to land right on my lap. We’d all had enough so went to leave and the old dragon by the door came over. 5000 baht for the look show! No way love, you said it was free, we’re out of here. Ok ok ok just pay for drinks! We already did, lets go. Then 3 or 4 birds started blocking the door and not letting us leave. There was some scratching and clawing until we finally realised that we hadn’t paid for two of the drinks. The funniest bit was when then called this Thai guy over to sort us out and he looked at me and Ben and just shook his head!! He wasn’t getting involved!
The 5 of us jumped in a tuk tuk and sped off to khao san road (backpacker central). We got stuck in a traffic jam and the driver jumped out to have a look. Yoink! I jumped on and fired the engine up, he turned round and couldn’t give a monkeys! Even though I only moved about 4 inches I still drove a tuk tuk!
Khao san road was awesome. Like Osborne road or the red mile but 100 times busier. There’s a constant stream of street vendors peddling their tat and by this time Ben and Sam had taught me the Thai numbers. This meant we spent a bloody enjoyable time bartering with every person who walked past! Trouble was I found it hard to say no once they’d accepted my ridiculously low offers, and that’s how I ended up with my crazy hat and some naughty lighters!
The three boys went out and hit nana plaza – mindblowing. 3 floors of neon lights and humans of questionable gender dragging you into bars. We obviously had to check out a ladyboy bar to se what all the fuss was about. There’s an enormous rotating podium in the middle of the room and a glass ceiling with more dancers upstairs. All the ladyboys have got bikinis on and a number. “where does number 55 keep his cock?!” At this point I just want to say that the ladyboys are quite persuasive and have no problem letting their hands wander, and I’ll also add they do quite a good job of making themselves look like girls. Drunk people make mistakes ok…
The last thing on the Bangkok must do’s is a Thai massage. It turns out that they’re not happy endings, they’re actually happy middles and they cost about $25 (so I’m told).
Last day in Bangkok before I left for the islands and we went to JJ market (http://www.flickr.com/photos/truthisthyself/2811902727/) where they sell everything under the sun. We saw a cock fight, a snake swallow a mouse and a spider monkey shat on my hand. They even had pools of fish that you stick your feet in and they eat all the dead skin off. Thoroughly enjoyable mornings work!
That evening its bye bye Ben and Sam, I’m on a sleeper train to chumporn, koh tao here I come! On the train some bird was walking up and down selling bottles of beer. Dan pipes up “tao rye cap?” she says “roy baht” so I hand her over a 100 baht bill. She shakes her head “no 3 hundred!” dan hits her back with “my sam roy baht, roy baht!” she smiles, gives me the beer and moves on. I see the guy in the next carriage pay 300 baht for the same bottle of beer. Ace.
(http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=80766&id=500561148&l=0523c06dc2)
I just used a bunch of disposable cameras and a whole load of photos didn’t come out so I’ll nick a few every now and again. Here’s a couple http://www.flickr.com/photos/321dogs/3471553093/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/agron/2414178058/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzOcxZ3GPhE
Me, Michael and Ben got ourselves some water pistols and jumped in the back of a tuk tuk. What a ride! We pulled up to some lights and got completely dumped on by some kids on the side of the road. Only flooded the bloody engine! So we jumped out and continued to spray passers by. We hit nana plaza and there were few ladyboys joining in the fun. One of them bloody recognized me and went to grab my willy. Only had my bloody flies undone!
Back in the hotel and the news is on. Civil unrest in Bangkok, travellers urged to stay indoors, Ben flicks the TV off, lets roll boys! Probably the most exciting new years ever. Thousands, I mean thousands of Thais with enormous grins on their faces and soooooo much water! Even the fire department had an engine down one of the streets hosing the crowds with gallons of water!
Night after and we decided to do a token Bangkok night, all the big names. We started off in a ping pong show – absolutely horrific. [mum look away now]. One bird was pulling a string of razor blades out her minge, another was sat on the floor with a bucket next to her. Little fiddle around with her lady bits then POP! A balloon hanging off the ceiling about 4 yards away exploded. She was firing little paper cones with needles stuck in the end. Then the ping pong balls started flying and you’re given a bat to defend yourself. Ben said “its alright - I’ve got us covered Dan” before allowing a ball to land right on my lap. We’d all had enough so went to leave and the old dragon by the door came over. 5000 baht for the look show! No way love, you said it was free, we’re out of here. Ok ok ok just pay for drinks! We already did, lets go. Then 3 or 4 birds started blocking the door and not letting us leave. There was some scratching and clawing until we finally realised that we hadn’t paid for two of the drinks. The funniest bit was when then called this Thai guy over to sort us out and he looked at me and Ben and just shook his head!! He wasn’t getting involved!
The 5 of us jumped in a tuk tuk and sped off to khao san road (backpacker central). We got stuck in a traffic jam and the driver jumped out to have a look. Yoink! I jumped on and fired the engine up, he turned round and couldn’t give a monkeys! Even though I only moved about 4 inches I still drove a tuk tuk!
Khao san road was awesome. Like Osborne road or the red mile but 100 times busier. There’s a constant stream of street vendors peddling their tat and by this time Ben and Sam had taught me the Thai numbers. This meant we spent a bloody enjoyable time bartering with every person who walked past! Trouble was I found it hard to say no once they’d accepted my ridiculously low offers, and that’s how I ended up with my crazy hat and some naughty lighters!
The three boys went out and hit nana plaza – mindblowing. 3 floors of neon lights and humans of questionable gender dragging you into bars. We obviously had to check out a ladyboy bar to se what all the fuss was about. There’s an enormous rotating podium in the middle of the room and a glass ceiling with more dancers upstairs. All the ladyboys have got bikinis on and a number. “where does number 55 keep his cock?!” At this point I just want to say that the ladyboys are quite persuasive and have no problem letting their hands wander, and I’ll also add they do quite a good job of making themselves look like girls. Drunk people make mistakes ok…
The last thing on the Bangkok must do’s is a Thai massage. It turns out that they’re not happy endings, they’re actually happy middles and they cost about $25 (so I’m told).
Last day in Bangkok before I left for the islands and we went to JJ market (http://www.flickr.com/photos/truthisthyself/2811902727/) where they sell everything under the sun. We saw a cock fight, a snake swallow a mouse and a spider monkey shat on my hand. They even had pools of fish that you stick your feet in and they eat all the dead skin off. Thoroughly enjoyable mornings work!
That evening its bye bye Ben and Sam, I’m on a sleeper train to chumporn, koh tao here I come! On the train some bird was walking up and down selling bottles of beer. Dan pipes up “tao rye cap?” she says “roy baht” so I hand her over a 100 baht bill. She shakes her head “no 3 hundred!” dan hits her back with “my sam roy baht, roy baht!” she smiles, gives me the beer and moves on. I see the guy in the next carriage pay 300 baht for the same bottle of beer. Ace.
(http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=80766&id=500561148&l=0523c06dc2)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
kooooooooonichiwa!!!
hang on then, i'm guessing, from all the little people, the sweating, and the fact i haven't got a bloody clue what's going on, I'M IN BANGKOK BABY!!!! i haven't had a lot of sleep in the past however many days, but i just dozed off while i was checking out of my hotel! let me fill you in on how i got here...
thursday afternoon in sunny DRY calgary, and there's a bunch of us in the pub. now it got messy pretty early on but without a doubt, the funniest moment of the night is in fionn macools. this is just up the road from work so we go there a lot and the barmaids recognise us; one of them saunters over to the table. now she's a big old girl and her top's not doing her any favours. logan (who will be getting bigged up later) is sat next to me and reaches out to the waitress, putting her palm on her belly. (even in my tequilay haze i could see this happening in slow motion, thinking no...no she's not...oh my god she is...) i turn to logan to see a delicious expression of excitement on her face, and she says "nooooo, when did this happen?!?!? you're not are you?!?!?!" 3-2-1 "no." is the reply and the waitress walks off.
i was crying.
i had to leave the room because i was laughing so hard i thought i was gonna shit myself. nathalia was creasing up "that did NOT just happen?!?! that stuff only ever happens in the movies!!!"
we didn't see that waitress for the rest of the night. last i heard she was doing sit ups out the back.
party party, rock back to ours about 2am and logan's all over getting me packed. i think i was breakdancing in the living room. this did mean i watched "my" backpack go by me three times on the airport conveyor belt in bangkok cause i'd only seen it drunk. logan - big love, wouldn't have made it here without you!
dunno how nathalia managed to get us to the airport for 6am but we made it! (presents in the post) next thing i know i'm sat next to rhonda and her lovely daughter toni (HI GIRLS!) on their way to miami for a cruise. they were on drool watch for the next 3 hours as my body shutdown. next thing minneapolis, meh.
then! its on the plane to tokyo. now the old boy welcoming people onto the plane asks if i have a good seat (i bet he says that to all the boys...) and give him a bit of banter. anyway, i get to my seat and start dozing off. next thing i know he's tapping me on the shoulder, he's only hooked me up with an emergency exit seat - leg room aplenty! michael, i salute you. the greatest man i've ever met on a plane. and i'm not just saying that because you hooked me up with 7 hours of gin on tap! "dan, you've drank all the tanqueray! is bombay sapphire ok? michael, where have you been all my life?"
couple hours in tokyo, saw a vending machine selling sweat, but no used panties (sorry jo). and now i'm in bangkok! went for a mooch earlier, soooooo moipy. think i'll be spending most of my time over here in speedos. there's gonna be water fights all week cause of thai new year so expect some class photos!!!!
byeeeeeeee!
thursday afternoon in sunny DRY calgary, and there's a bunch of us in the pub. now it got messy pretty early on but without a doubt, the funniest moment of the night is in fionn macools. this is just up the road from work so we go there a lot and the barmaids recognise us; one of them saunters over to the table. now she's a big old girl and her top's not doing her any favours. logan (who will be getting bigged up later) is sat next to me and reaches out to the waitress, putting her palm on her belly. (even in my tequilay haze i could see this happening in slow motion, thinking no...no she's not...oh my god she is...) i turn to logan to see a delicious expression of excitement on her face, and she says "nooooo, when did this happen?!?!? you're not are you?!?!?!" 3-2-1 "no." is the reply and the waitress walks off.
i was crying.
i had to leave the room because i was laughing so hard i thought i was gonna shit myself. nathalia was creasing up "that did NOT just happen?!?! that stuff only ever happens in the movies!!!"
we didn't see that waitress for the rest of the night. last i heard she was doing sit ups out the back.
party party, rock back to ours about 2am and logan's all over getting me packed. i think i was breakdancing in the living room. this did mean i watched "my" backpack go by me three times on the airport conveyor belt in bangkok cause i'd only seen it drunk. logan - big love, wouldn't have made it here without you!
dunno how nathalia managed to get us to the airport for 6am but we made it! (presents in the post) next thing i know i'm sat next to rhonda and her lovely daughter toni (HI GIRLS!) on their way to miami for a cruise. they were on drool watch for the next 3 hours as my body shutdown. next thing minneapolis, meh.
then! its on the plane to tokyo. now the old boy welcoming people onto the plane asks if i have a good seat (i bet he says that to all the boys...) and give him a bit of banter. anyway, i get to my seat and start dozing off. next thing i know he's tapping me on the shoulder, he's only hooked me up with an emergency exit seat - leg room aplenty! michael, i salute you. the greatest man i've ever met on a plane. and i'm not just saying that because you hooked me up with 7 hours of gin on tap! "dan, you've drank all the tanqueray! is bombay sapphire ok? michael, where have you been all my life?"
couple hours in tokyo, saw a vending machine selling sweat, but no used panties (sorry jo). and now i'm in bangkok! went for a mooch earlier, soooooo moipy. think i'll be spending most of my time over here in speedos. there's gonna be water fights all week cause of thai new year so expect some class photos!!!!
byeeeeeeee!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
errrrrr...hello?!
don't get excited guys! still in canada but leaving tomorrow morning. i'm walking on sunshine at the minute. soooo many people have hit me up with places to see and things to go - thanks! don't be shy to add stuff on here, i'm sure there'll be internet cafes on top of elephants etc that i'll be able to check and update with ferties.
my boss came into my office this morning and said "dan, i've got a going away present for you. this is the most important bit of kit you'll take with you; its a lemon. when you're just about to do the bad thing with whichever wench you've dragged back to your place, give this a squeeze over her naughty bits. if she's clean, it'll freshen things up a bit, but if she screams, RUN AWAY FAST! i've even sliced it so you've got no excuse the first couple times..."
it's only gonna get worse folks!!!!
peace
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