Bangkok (Oooooh - ladyboys)

Well I arrived off the plane to sweltering heat. Ben was on a visa run so I was left to wander round on my own. Now I’d been told about songkran but there’s no way I could have guessed what it would mean. Songkran is the Thai new year and the throwing of water is supposed to cleanse you of all the bad stuff you did last year. In reality it’s a massive water fight! Every street is lined with people hoying water at everyone. The only country you can shoot a complete stranger in the back of the head with a jet of freezing cold water and they turn around with a massive grin on their face!

I just used a bunch of disposable cameras and a whole load of photos didn’t come out so I’ll nick a few every now and again. Here’s a couple http://www.flickr.com/photos/321dogs/3471553093/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/agron/2414178058/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzOcxZ3GPhE

Me, Michael and Ben got ourselves some water pistols and jumped in the back of a tuk tuk. What a ride! We pulled up to some lights and got completely dumped on by some kids on the side of the road. Only flooded the bloody engine! So we jumped out and continued to spray passers by. We hit nana plaza and there were few ladyboys joining in the fun. One of them bloody recognized me and went to grab my willy. Only had my bloody flies undone!

Back in the hotel and the news is on. Civil unrest in Bangkok, travellers urged to stay indoors, Ben flicks the TV off, lets roll boys! Probably the most exciting new years ever. Thousands, I mean thousands of Thais with enormous grins on their faces and soooooo much water! Even the fire department had an engine down one of the streets hosing the crowds with gallons of water!

Night after and we decided to do a token Bangkok night, all the big names. We started off in a ping pong show – absolutely horrific. [mum look away now]. One bird was pulling a string of razor blades out her minge, another was sat on the floor with a bucket next to her. Little fiddle around with her lady bits then POP! A balloon hanging off the ceiling about 4 yards away exploded. She was firing little paper cones with needles stuck in the end. Then the ping pong balls started flying and you’re given a bat to defend yourself. Ben said “its alright - I’ve got us covered Dan” before allowing a ball to land right on my lap. We’d all had enough so went to leave and the old dragon by the door came over. 5000 baht for the look show! No way love, you said it was free, we’re out of here. Ok ok ok just pay for drinks! We already did, lets go. Then 3 or 4 birds started blocking the door and not letting us leave. There was some scratching and clawing until we finally realised that we hadn’t paid for two of the drinks. The funniest bit was when then called this Thai guy over to sort us out and he looked at me and Ben and just shook his head!! He wasn’t getting involved!

The 5 of us jumped in a tuk tuk and sped off to khao san road (backpacker central). We got stuck in a traffic jam and the driver jumped out to have a look. Yoink! I jumped on and fired the engine up, he turned round and couldn’t give a monkeys! Even though I only moved about 4 inches I still drove a tuk tuk!

Khao san road was awesome. Like Osborne road or the red mile but 100 times busier. There’s a constant stream of street vendors peddling their tat and by this time Ben and Sam had taught me the Thai numbers. This meant we spent a bloody enjoyable time bartering with every person who walked past! Trouble was I found it hard to say no once they’d accepted my ridiculously low offers, and that’s how I ended up with my crazy hat and some naughty lighters!

The three boys went out and hit nana plaza – mindblowing. 3 floors of neon lights and humans of questionable gender dragging you into bars. We obviously had to check out a ladyboy bar to se what all the fuss was about. There’s an enormous rotating podium in the middle of the room and a glass ceiling with more dancers upstairs. All the ladyboys have got bikinis on and a number. “where does number 55 keep his cock?!” At this point I just want to say that the ladyboys are quite persuasive and have no problem letting their hands wander, and I’ll also add they do quite a good job of making themselves look like girls. Drunk people make mistakes ok…

The last thing on the Bangkok must do’s is a Thai massage. It turns out that they’re not happy endings, they’re actually happy middles and they cost about $25 (so I’m told).

Last day in Bangkok before I left for the islands and we went to JJ market (http://www.flickr.com/photos/truthisthyself/2811902727/) where they sell everything under the sun. We saw a cock fight, a snake swallow a mouse and a spider monkey shat on my hand. They even had pools of fish that you stick your feet in and they eat all the dead skin off. Thoroughly enjoyable mornings work!

That evening its bye bye Ben and Sam, I’m on a sleeper train to chumporn, koh tao here I come! On the train some bird was walking up and down selling bottles of beer. Dan pipes up “tao rye cap?” she says “roy baht” so I hand her over a 100 baht bill. She shakes her head “no 3 hundred!” dan hits her back with “my sam roy baht, roy baht!” she smiles, gives me the beer and moves on. I see the guy in the next carriage pay 300 baht for the same bottle of beer. Ace.

(http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=80766&id=500561148&l=0523c06dc2)