Koh Phi Phi (Life's a beach)

After a bit of a mix up with meeting places (north beach is up the top sweet cheeks!) we met up at Apache bar and the party started! Mon had met this bunch of English ragamuffins on the boat over (heeeeey booooys!), and we got our buckets on until the early morn. I knew it was time to go when Mon had fallen asleep in a deckchair in the middle of the dancefloor – jetlag anyone?!?!

Every time we walked past this massage parlour we’d get “sexy boy sexy girl!! You want oyee massa?! Good for him, good for her, good for me!” so eventually we went and got one and my word, they know how to loosen you up.

Koh Phi Phi is a couple of islands, one of which has Maya beach – made famous from the film ‘The Beach’. These ragamuffins and us signed up for a day trip to the other island which included snorkelling, monkeys, Maya bay, shark watching, cliff jumping and finish with a sunset - delicious. Well the snorkelling went well until I took a picture of lovely Monica’s rack underwater and broke her invincible, unbreakable camera.

When we arrived for the cliff jumping, they were still making the wooden ladder to climb up! “Never mind” the Thai dude says, “let’s go see Maya beach”. It was nice enough (http://www.flickr.com/photos/neumeyer/3495859115/), but whatever - I want to jump off some cliffs! Back to the ladder and they’ve done a superb job in the 20 minutes we’d been away. I scramble up and approach the edge…

…18m is a bloody long way when you’re in trunks at the edge of a cliff. I shouted down to the Thai guy for some instructions but couldn’t really hear. Arms by your side, go feet first! My view on jumping off a cliff is pretty similar to my view on most things in life – don’t think about it, just get the bugger done. And because it was rocky all the way to the edge, it wasn’t a run and a jump, more of a tentative step off into the air. And then you’re falling and you’re waving your arms madly, and you’re thinking fuck me how am I still in the air, and then blammo!!! I hit the water. A little tip for future cliff jumpers, always point toes on entry to avoid blapping the soles of your feet off the surface of the water. Some of us learn the hard way...

Dust my self down and back up again! Everyone did it apart from one bird who was scared her boob implants would explode (would have definitely got that one on camera), some needed more coaxing than others. Ben (one of the ragamuffins) needed a little persuasion so I stepped to the edge with him “right Ben, 1 2 3 jump yeah?”, “fuck me dan it’s high”. “ok! 1,2…. Jump! – whooooa! – splash! – yeehaaa! [high fives!]”.

So everyone’s been off, I been over 3 or 4 times, ready for the grand finale. Everyone’s in the boat ready to set off for the shark watch/sunset and I’m scrambling up for my last go. Perched on the edge “what’s that? You want a 360?!?!” Crouched and coiled, in my head I saw me gracefully spinning down to the water like a sycamore seed (http://www.arkive.org/sycamore/acer-pseudoplatanus/video-09b.html).

In reality I managed one rotation before my revolving body lost all stability/control. Halfway down I remember looking up at the sky and realising i’d messed up big time “just relax Dan, let your body go limp else you might break some bones”.

KAAAAAAAASSSPLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSHHH!!!!

I’d landed horizontally on my back, completely winding myself. I paddled myself to the boat and clung on. Mon braced my neck cause she was certain I’d got a spinal injury. I coughed up some blood and climbed onto the boat.

The Thai guy was freaking OUT! I dunno what they teach in Thailand, but his first aid consisted of vast amounts of cold water over the head and immense pressure on my chest (the most painful part of my rapidly bruising body). Everything went black and I started having the best dream ever, then heard the sweet tones of my guardian angel “Dan, Dan!, DAN! WAKE UP!”. I came round and everything’s all gravy, except the vision’s in my right eye has gone skew wiff. After 10 minutes of wondering how I’d managed to detach a retina I realised that my contact lens had slid round the side of my eyeball!

We set off back home; it only hurt when I was breathing so it wasn’t too bad. After the drama, Mon went and hurled up over the side of the boat which meant she got a dose of water over the head from the Thai guy too! He offered to take me out the next day and watch him jump off a 30m cliff for free but I’d had my fill. See this video for a rough idea of how high it was, but its only when you’re falling and realise you’ve been going for a good 5 seconds, and the water is still ages away that you can understand how high it is (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBmxaZykc0s).

Next we spent the day sunning my bruises on the beach and went for a mooch up to the pretty beach. Then in the evening there was a ladyboy show. Needless to say I got dragged up for a dance at the end, didn’t get any tips though. Then came the fire show and this is why Monica is so class. The dude was throwing these flaming balls around (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kPdK214g2w
http://www.flickr.com/photos/blackspruce/253599996/) and she said “I fancy doing that”. Off she trots to this firethrowing Thai dude on his break, and walks back with a smile and a set of fire ball chain things. She’s only bloody haggled the guy down, IN THAI, and walked away with a set of fire poi things! Amazing.

So then they get the flaming skipping rope going and we have a go, and out comes the flaming limbo. I was pretty sauced at this point so I went for a wander. When I came back, Mon had limbo’d under the lowest thingy but managed to take a lungful of kerosene in the process. “I need foooooood!” ok Mon, I’ll sort you out. Now I love a barter and the Thais lap it up so I’m trying to get 20 baht off her banana pancake (about 6 cents). “DAN! My lungs are on fire – I need food!”. Mon gets her food and drunk Dan potters off again.

But luckily this time eagle eye Monica has her eye on me and watches me stumble into a shop down the way with a glint in my eye. Next thing I know she’s dragging me out of the tattoo shop, and the guy next to me mixing his ink is laughing. “Dan. What are you doing?” “I just wanted to get a little tattoo on my arm” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ATjjas2tFw).

What of! I hear you cry! Obviously I’d gone for something deep and profound, with timeless relevance and meaning to me.

I was minutes away from having a bloody smiley face on my arm. One circle, 2 eyes, and a great big grin, like the potato waffle (http://www.flickr.com/photos/kscully/88852836/) – all for about $15. PHEW!!!!!

Its at this point everyone thought it’s probably a good idea for me to leave the island, so first thing in the morning, we’re sailing to Krabi! Byeeeeeeee!

(http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=80771&id=500561148&l=67e6f49e4c)